Chase Rice? Seriously?

Warning: This is a rant. 

One of the co-writers of "Cruise," country music's "biggest song ever" is now here and ready to prove to the world that not only can he write ridiculous, immature, frat boy country songs, but he can sing them too. His new EP titled Ready Set Roll already reached number 1 on iTunes. It was his second release after his two previous records Country As Me and Dirt Road Communion. Obviously you already know what you're getting into when you're listening to this, but his EP is honestly one of the worst things I've heard ever. Every single song is a stupid party anthem or one about a truck. It's pop, it's rap it's anything but country. You know what? I don't even want to call it pop or rap because it's offensive to the true fans of those genres. What it is, is bad sellout music, that's all. Songs like these are by guys who want nothing more than a year or two of money and fame until they are forgotten and never heard from again. They don't care though, they probably already made enough money to last them for years. Who cares if it's ruining a genre, who cares! I'm sorry you can call me an elitist music snob if you want, but people like this don't deserve the attention they are getting. I am a teenage girl and I can tell you I have written songs that are way more mature and have more depth than anything that comes out of this guy's mouth. In a song called "Party Up" (Featuring Colt Ford, of course) there's a line that says "Sip a little whiskey c'mon baby kiss me. Lemme get a drip of your frisky gypsy." What? There's another song that makes a seemingly obvious sexual advance "Girl when you gonna let me put some country in ya?" I can just hear the teenage girls screaming waiting to get some "country" in their oblivious selves by this ultra douchenugget. Then there's another song called "Look At My Truck." Look at it! LOOK AT IT! Do I fit in with your crowd now? DO I? Can't you see how country I am? I got this huge lifted truck covered in mud, I am the superior! I am the countryest of all countrys! I am so sick of this crap. I don't know why people still buy into it. Then there is a song about beer, the "best beer of his life" apparently. Two other songs about driving around with a hot girl in a truck. He tries to keep it all hip and modern by adding cool little vocal effects, hip hop beats, and by rapping the verses, but he fails tremendously. This album is not even just a shame to country music, it's a shame to all music. It really sucks but country is only getting worse. This is not musical evolution this is bad, soulless, stupid music. The new rapping trend is kicking in full force, and since it continues to do so well the end looks to be further and further down the road. It seems that there are a fewer number of people staying true to themselves each year. My hope is that people get sick of this stuff soon and real music can have a chance once again. 

Two For Tuesday: If It Ain't Broke... 9/3/13

I know mainstream singers are adding new outside influences into their music to keep it "hip" and appeal to a big audience. I don't get it though. Why are they trying to appeal to people who don't like country music by making them believe their rap or pop song is actually country? Then the new listener just goes around thinking they like country music when actually they never really heard it. This new song "Keep It Redneck" by "country" rap group The Lacs was released a few weeks ago. It isn't rap and it sure the hell isn't country. It's neither, it's insulting to both genres. 

If you actually watched that I am so sorry, I sincerely apologize, really. It's just why is that promoted on ITunes? Why is that acceptable as country music? I don't have an answer for it and it just sucks you know because there is real country music out there. Take this Honky Tonk band from Michigan, Whitey Morgan and the 78's, good, real, country music. Of course since the main fan base for modern country music is non country fans they can't get recognition. This song is not acceptable in country music today, but pseudo-redneck rap is. Like they say in this song country music isn't broke, people like them prove that it is alive and well. So stop trying to add in your hip hop beats and autotune to make it popular. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

"Cruise" Is The Most Successful "Country" Song Ever

Congratulations everybody! You are living through a moment of country music history right now. "Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line is officially the most successful country song to ever grace our presence. It spent a total of 22 weeks at #1 on Billboard's Hot 100 Country songs. It beat out "In the Jailhouse Now " by Webb Pierce in 1955, "I'm Movin' On," by Hank Snow in 1950-1951, and "I'll Hold You in My Heart (Till I Can Hold You in My Arms)," by Eddy Arnold in 1947-1948. All three spent a total of 21 weeks at #1. If it wasn't for country rap crossovers and the crappy new Billboard rules all three of those guys wouldn't be rolling around repeatedly in their graves right now.

"Cruise" spent only 5 weeks at number one last year. It was so close to falling off the charts too! When you thought this song literally couldn't possibly get any worse, the ever so lovely rap version of this comes out featuring Nelly and suddenly it hits number one all over again. Now is that fair? With the new Billboard rules, song plays from internet streaming websites like Spotify, Pandora, etc. all count in the Billboard ranking. The only thing that does is boost the success of songs that have crossover appeal. How would an actual country song that only appeals to country fans beat out a song that appeals to country, pop, and rap? Do the crossover artists really need ways to be more successful? The thing is that the only reason this song has been number one for so long is because of the mainstream rap/pop version. Yet by Billboard's standards that's the reason a 58 year record for the most successful country song was broken. The most successful country song is the most successful country song because people know it as a pop rap song. Makes sense don't it?

All in all it really doesn't matter I guess. Billboard is not a correct assumption on which songs are better than others. It's only based on technical facts and God knows if we decided the best songs today based on radio play and downloads we'd end up with something sucky. I'm not turning this into another there's so much good music out there it's not fair they don't get recognition rant. Well, that is true, but this is more of a I'm concerned about country music's legacy type of thing. What if it takes another 58 years to break Florida Georgia Line's record. Picture this, it's the year 2071 and your great grandchildren start to listen to country music. (This is assuming country music is still around and music hasn't morphed into one giant pop genre) They go on the internet (or ask their robots) what the top country songs ever are, then they stumble upon Billboard. Then there at number one still is "Cruise." That probably won't be the case, more crossover songs will be up in there too I'm sure. These kids of the future will be talking about how they listen to "classic country", which will be our generations music! Today you can say you like the Honky Tonk Era of the 50's, or the Outlaw Era of the 70's. Doesn't it disgust you that in 50 years someone can say they like the Hick-Hop Era of the 2010's! 

I guess you could say the same for other types of music too, Hip hop especially. There are so many underground rappers and fans trying to bring back some sanity back into the genre they love, it's the same thing as what's happening in country. It's either someone starts paying attention to the roots artists or music in general is heading for a downfall. The terms "Country" and "Rap" are unlikely to be saved anytime soon.  It really is a shame you can't proudly say what kind of music you like without having to explain you don't mean the stuff you hear on the radio. I don't know enough about other genres to talk about their histories or futures, but I do know country. I know within the past 2 decades or so the legacy of country music is falling apart. It wasn't as bad in the 90's and early 2000's as it is today. When I say country isn't country anymore that's not my opinion, it's a fact. There's certain elements you need in order to produce a country song. Mainstream just doesn't have it, or if they do it's minimal. People like Florida Georgia Line aren't evolving country music, they're devolving it. 

Rant Review: "Two Step" by Laura Bell Bundy ft. Colt Ford

From the people who brought you "Truck Yeah" and "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" here is their latest masterpiece. I think in order to move forward you have to accept how far back you really are. How are people going to think of country as anything other than a joke when they see stuff like this on TV? Laura Bell Bundy recently switched to Big Machine records. Big Machine is home to Taylor Swift, Tim McGraw, and Rascal Flatts. Branches of Big Machine Records like Valory Music and Republic Nashville are in charge of wannabe outlaws Justin Moore and Brantley Gilbert, as well as the ultimate douchenuggets Florida Georgia Line. Needless to say Big Machine is a death trap. They market image so much that any ounce of originality you have is stripped down until you are just a tiny puppet who does exactly what they tell you to.

 Laura Bell Bundy only had one other song that did somewhat decent. It was "Giddy On Up" back in 2010. This song is literally its ugly cousin. By looking at this picture from the video I'm sure you can tell you got a honky tonkin', air-humpin', fist-bumpin' good time going on. Her broadway background is dominant in all of her music videos. They look like they are a cross between dance instruction videos and bad plays in a church basement, but videos aside, it's the music that really bothers me. "Giddy On Up" isn't a song I would ever choose to listen to, but I wouldn't write a full length rant about it either. In addition to fiddles and banjos being played throughout the song, it actually has a direction, unlike "Two Step." It's about a woman confronting her cheating "cowboy" husband. The song and video actually do have many themes that try to be country. Fast forward three years and boy what a difference. Unlike "Giddy On Up," "Two Step" barely even tries to be country song except for faint country instruments in the background. Lyrically the song is near pointless, just a bad attempt to get mainstream attention. The beginning sounds like a typical women empowerment song. "I'm gonna wear what I want to cause I want to I don't need no man. I'm gonna drink what I want to cause I want to just because I can. Gonna spend my money cause it's mine, down on SoCo and lime. Cause it's girls' night out." The video of course starts off with a bunch of Rosie the Riveter type girls working in a factory like they just stepped out of World War II. They are so done with their jobs so they pull out their flasks, start drinking, and get all glamed up to go down dancing at some trashy Redneck Hip Hop club apparently. The chorus is just ridiculous "I'm gonna do my two step, do my, do my two step tonight. I'm doing my two step, watch where you step put you two steps behind. Hard to get but you want me ride that donkey straight to the back of the line. Gonna do my two step, do my, do my two step." Then she goes in to explain how to do this so called "Two Step" dance she sings about. "Slide, slide slide, two steps." "Grind, grind, grind, switch" Really? Do I really want to know how to do a dance when I hear a song on the radio. She left broadway behind to pursue a career in country music. If she really wanted to do that she should stop making all of her songs into little musicals. Knowing Big Machine they will market the hell out of this like they do everything else. I don't think people are going to get up and start dancing in their car or while they are sitting watching the video on their couch. The main outlet for this would be for people wanting fun dance songs for their "Country Themed" party or bar. This song goes to radio August 5th. The question is will the general population of mainstream country fans care about some trashy dance song enough to want to hear it on the radio? Knowing some stuff I hear I wouldn't be surprised if they did, but that's not even the worst part. 

Country rap! I hate seeing those two words together more so then any other two words in the world. Colt Ford is perhaps to blame for the mainstream success of country rap. He wrote "Dirt Road Anthem" a few years ago which was covered by Jason Aldean. Since that song in 2010 rap made it's way through the crevices of mainstream country music. Too many male country artists feel like they need to produce some sort of rap in their songs these days. It's never meaningful rap either. I don't like regular rap music at all but I could at least respect it if it has some sort of meaning. Like mainstream rap rapping about naked ladies and money, all mainstream country rap just talks about back roads, trucks, beer, and all that other stuff you need to "be country." Country rap has gotten so bad it probably actually removes brain cells as you listen. The only other thing that these new "rappers" rap about is hot girls. Which leads me into Colt Ford's little cameo in "Two Step."

Woaaah! No woman has ever showed me one of these before!

Laura Bell sings "I'm gonna rock my cowboy hat and pink stilettos. We're gonna stomp and kick until they make us all go home. You wanna see if a little country girl can get down, let me show you how." Then she is magically transported into ghettoville with spray painted walls, sideways flat bill hats, and booty shorts. This is all still country though of course because Colt Ford is wearing a cowboy hat. He raps "Hey little lady maybe you and me could possibly get together for a shot of Jack D and take a little spinner by the dance floor, tell me do you want more? All you gotta do is just say so. I can line dance, baby I can buck dance. Take you down a dirt road, back of a truck dance." (umm no thanks) Of course even though it's a hitting up a woman at a bar song they still have to mention a truck and a dirt road somehow. So much for this being a "I'm a strong woman and I don't need no man" song.

Really country music? Really! Have you really stooped down this low. Besides the fact that I personally don't want to see a bunch of half naked women on my TV, I don't think it's appropriate for the new younger country fanbase. Compared to mainstream pop, mainstream country used to be fairly innocent. Mama's would be okay with their kids watching country music videos because there wasn't any nudity or other "naughty things" frequently found in mainstream rap or pop. Today there are no filters for what they show on TV. Things like this are just "The Norm" for country today. Now don't get me wrong I don't mind bad language or themes in a song if the purpose is to accurately convey the emotion the writer was feeling. I feel like some people dumb down their music because they are worried other people will be offended. I'd prefer artists to write what they really feel and not care about radio play. Mainstream music has a problem with people saying "bad words," but they have no problem showing half naked ladies in their videos, makes sense right? It all is such cheap marketing that has nothing to do with the music. Am I gonna watch this? No! Will a teenage boy sit and watch this whole video? Oh yeah! Songs like these just really get me angry. Country used to be a more mature respected genre. Now since so many other influences from other genres are muddled into country, there is no way to tell what country is anymore.

Rating: D-

(only D- because unfortunately somehow there are worse things.)